This article was co-authored by Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC. Deb Schneider is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in Oakland, CA, and a Program Manager for the Weiland Health Initiative at Stanford University. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in creating safe spaces, respectful of marginalized identities, at the high school and college levels. Deb holds a Bachelor’s degree in Sociology and Women's Studies from Clark University and a Master of Social Work (MSW) with Health Concentration from the University of California, Berkeley School of Social Welfare.
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If you’re struggling to fully understand what it means to be asexual, you’re not alone—many people aren’t sure about what it means and may not know how to interact with asexual people in their life romantically. The most important thing to remember when trying to understand asexuality is that people who identify as such are not inherently different from you, aside from the fact that they experience sexual attraction differently. In this article, we’ll break down what asexuality is and isn’t, plus show you how to date asexual people. Let’s begin!
Things You Should Know
- Asexuality is a sexual orientation where a person feels little to no sexual attraction to people of any gender, though they may choose to have sex.
- Asexuality is not the same thing as abstinence or celibacy, and is not caused by trauma, abuse, or a disorder.
- Asexual people can still have romantic relationships. Communicate openly with asexual partners about their needs and preferences.
Steps
Understanding Asexuality
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1Learn what it means to be asexual. Asexuality is a sexual orientation that means a person feels no sexual attraction to people of any gender.[1] X Expert Source
Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker Expert Interview. 2 April 2021. Go to source However, a person who identifies as asexual may still choose to have sex, may still be involved with a romantic partner or get married, can still love, and can still engage in normal relationships.[2] X Research source Go to source Asexuality doesn’t describe what a person chooses to do, but rather how a person feels. Asexual people have emotional needs, may feel non-sexual attraction to others, and may even feel arousal; they just don’t feel sexual attraction.[3] X Research source Go to source- Many asexual people still experience romantic attraction, and may choose to identify as homoromantic, biromantic, heteroromantic, panromantic and much more.
- Asexuality is not the same as having a low libido, which can be caused by medical or health issues, nor is it the same as repressing one’s sexual desires.[4] X Research source Go to source
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2Understand the asexuality umbrella. As with any sexual orientation, the label asexual is a generalization that doesn’t explain or represent everyone who identifies that way. All humans are unique and individual, and sexual orientation exists on a spectrum of needs, desires, interests, and attractions.[5] X Expert Source
Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker Expert Interview. 2 April 2021. Go to source Think of asexuality as an umbrella term that describes people who identify as asexual, gray-asexual, and demisexual.[6] X Research source Go to source- Gray-asexual means that a person experiences sexual attraction, but either not very often or only to a minimal extent. This is also just called Gray-A/Gray-Ace.
- Demisexual describes a person who only feels sexual attraction to people with whom a close emotional bond has been formed. This is colloquially called "demi".
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3Differentiate asexuality from abstinence and celibacy. Abstinence is the deliberate choice to refrain from sexual activity, while celibacy is the deliberate choice to refrain from sexual activity and marriage (or marriage-like relationships). These choices may be made for religious, philosophical, moral, or other reasons. Asexuality is not experiencing sexual attraction, but not necessarily having no sexual appetite (libido). This means asexual people can be:
- Abstinent or celibate.
- Sexually active through masturbation.
- Sexually active with partners.
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4Learn what asexuality isn’t. Asexuality is a sexual orientation that’s distinct from heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, pansexuality, and other orientations.[7] X Expert Source
Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker Expert Interview. 2 April 2021. Go to source However, asexuality also has nothing to do with assigned sex, gender identity, or gender expression. And being asexual doesn’t mean you are aromantic, which means a person feels no romantic attraction to others.
Dating an Asexual Person
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1Recognize that there are different types of relationships. Just as there are friendships, mother-daughter relationships, father-son relationships, and an innumerable amount of other types of platonic (non-sensual) relationships, there are many types of romantic relationships aside from just sexual romantic relationships. Dating an asexual person may open your eyes to new types of relationships, which could include:
- Romantic non-sexual relationships, which often involve physical affection, cuddling, and commitment.
- Aromantic non-sexual relationships, which involve a deep commitment to one another. While these relationships can include physical affection, there is no sexual or romantic element.
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2Communicate openly. Regardless of the circumstances, dating is always about getting to know someone better, and dating someone who identifies as asexual is no different. The key to any relationship is free and open communication. It’s important to discuss personal boundaries early in any relationship, so that partners know what is acceptable, what’s unacceptable, and what is and isn’t expected of each other. If you are unsure of something, it’s always best to just ask!
- It’s important not to be offended if someone you’re dating comes out to you as asexual. It’s not an excuse and it’s not an attempt to get out of the relationship. That person is just trying to be honest and open.[8] X Research source Go to source
- Every asexual person has their preferences, some are okay with physical affection like hugs or cuddles, but some are completely repulsed. It is best to ask your asexual partner what they are and are not okay with doing.
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3Understand that an asexual person can be intimate. Asexual people often partake in romantic partnerships or relationships, but whether a person is open to physical or sexual intimacy depends on the individual.[9] X Expert Source
Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker Expert Interview. 2 April 2021. Go to source But dating doesn’t necessarily require physical or sexual interaction, and two people can develop a strong emotional or romantic relationship with or without a sexual element: intimacy is much more than just physical touching or sexual activity.- An asexual partner may or may not be open to sexual activity, so it’s important to communicate so that everyone involved is on the same page. Feeling sexual pleasure is different from feeling sexual attraction, and some asexual people can enjoy sex.
- Conversely, some asexual people are not interested in sex at all, and will not be open to exploring a sexual relationship.
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4Don’t expect an asexual person to change. Asexuality isn’t a choice or preference any more than heterosexuality and homosexuality are. Asexuality isn’t a problem or disorder,[10] X Research source Go to source and it isn’t caused by abuse or violence. People who identify as asexual don’t need to be fixed and aren’t going to change based on the person with whom they’re in a relationship.
- Some people who are asexual are not interested in romantic relationships, and may just be open to close friendships or non-sexual aromantic relationships.
Tips
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The asexual flag consists of four equal horizontal stripes. In order from top to bottom, the colors are black, gray, white, and purple.
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“Ace” is a term that’s often used to refer to asexual people, and as such the aces of spades, hearts, diamonds, and clubs are sometimes used as symbols of asexuality.
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Remember that coming out is not a decision people make lightly, and if someone comes out to you as asexual, it means that person is placing a large amount of trust in you. It’s important that you realize that nothing else changes, other than you knowing something you didn’t before.
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References
- ↑ Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC. Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.
- ↑ http://www.asexuality.org/home/
- ↑ http://www.asexuality.org/home/?q=overview.html
- ↑ http://jezebel.com/interview-with-an-asexual-clarifying-what-i-got-wrong-a-1691087587
- ↑ Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC. Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.
- ↑ http://www.asexualityarchive.com/under-the-ace-umbrella/
- ↑ Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC. Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.
- ↑ https://literallydarling.com/blog/2013/10/27/asexual-dating-sexual-world/
- ↑ Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC. Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.
About This Article
To understand asexual people, you can learn what it actually means to be asexual. Just like any other sexual orientation, the term asexual is an umbrella term that doesn’t necessarily represent every person who identifies as asexual. For instance, some asexual people do feel sexual attraction, but only to a person that they have a strong emotional bond with. It can also be helpful to learn what asexuality isn’t so you can better understand it. For example, asexuality isn’t abstinence or celibacy. These are intentional choices to refrain from sexual activity, whereas asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction, but not necessarily a lack of libido or sexual appetite. For information about how to understand that an asexual person can be intimate, keep reading!
Reader Success Stories
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"This can really help people who are questioning that they are asexual, and for family and friends who know someone who is asexual. This information is very helpful for those confused what a sexuality is. This actually helped me figure out I was asexual."
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"I always knew I was different from everyone else when it came to sex and romance. I never wanted it. I never felt the desire to have it. Now knowing that I not the only person who feels this way and that I'm not alone is very relieving."
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"I didn't know there was such a thing as asexual, but after reading this, I feel a huge relief! I've always had a very low sex drive, which has been frustrating to boyfriends. Now I can better explain myself! Thank you for this article!"
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"I was confused about my gender identity as a young teen because of the diversity in my school; I narrowed it down to not liking sex at all. This article helped me realize that I am asexual and I chose celibacy. Thanks!"
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"I've often head the term "asexual" but never understood the meaning. This article gave me a complete explanation and left me with a complete understanding. I empathize, because as many of us know, sex can feel amazing!"
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"I've never been able to sustain sexual attraction for more than five seconds on average. I found someone I truly love, but still have trouble in the bedroom. This article answered a lot of my questions, thank you!"
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"Until reading (and digesting) all this, I'd failed for decades to understand myself by the usual categories. At 78, I can at last follow through the maze of sub-categories and find me. Bless you. "
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"Asexual people are fully capable of having deep, loving relationships which don't involve sex. There's a huge misconception that intimacy has to equal intercourse. Thanks for getting it right!"
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"I'm in a relationship which isn't a sexual one. It's a first for me. I was just wondering why my other half is asexual. Wants kisses and cuddles, but nothing more, which I didn't understand."
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"From the very beginning the subject has been discussed step-by-step. Everything is mentioned in an easy way openly and freely. What is helpful is what issues are related to asexuality."
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"I already knew I was asexual and I know my boundaries, so this has helped me find a way to tell people. Now I can tell people who I am and maybe come out to my parents."
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"I love this article! It explains asexuality to me in further detail. I am questioning my sexuality, and it has definitely helped me in my search to define myself."
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"I like doing online role playing, and sometimes people ask me to do things I am not comfortable with. This article really helped me explain why I refused."
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"What helped me the most were the in-depth explanations and the description of what the meaning of the flag was, as well as other symbology. Thank you."
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"Helped me discover that asexuality isn't mental illness. My daughter told me that I'm asexual; she studied this in medical school."
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"I found it correct and it helped me a lot as an asexual. People sometimes get it wrong, so it somehow makes me happy."
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"As an asexual person myself, I find this to really explain how to be tolerant of my orientation! Well done, wikiHow!"
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"I love this article as an asexual person I will most definitely use this to explain my sexuality to people. "
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"Learned that you want someone who will be interested in that kind of relationship with you."
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"I think it is great that the general populace is becoming more aware of people like me."
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"What helped me is knowing there's a broad spectrum of asexual people."
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"The meaning of asexual helped me understand who I really am. Thanks."
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"The author really knows what he/she/they is talking about. :)"
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"Really helped me to understand asexual people! Thanks."
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"This article helps me understand myself better."
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"Good article to understand asexuality."
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"It helps me, I thank god for wikiHow."
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"It is a good article."