debrief08:
At her age except for few fast and gifted people most are still in school, some are still trying to write Jamb, some gifted kids are delayed in school sometimes because they may not be able to cope with the level of maturity required for the next step.
secondly, most Nigerians dont "talk" or have time to explain, we beat and shout. Well we can see where beating and shouting has gotten us, high crime rates, serial rapists and killers, armed robbers with no conscience, hired assassins for as low as 30k, then we lie to our selves that we have a better society than Countrys where they dont beat children for every offense.

Whats the correlation between school and this particular drama? I was already married at that age. I was in class with people in their 30's during my uni days so what will you say about them? that they were immature because they were still in school?

Let us stop making excuses for this woman. An adult should be held accountable for their actions. On the last day immaturity or not, nobody will stand for her and answer God.

Poster, how did you know, the three guys she talks to are her ex, some men once they think they have put the 'ring on it' want to turn the women to mumu....if you do not trust her because of the age difference, then too bad for you, you should have allowed her to feel free before you decided to use your age and your want for marraige to tie her down. leave the poor girl alone and stop insinuating things that are not there.

.......and, what is your problem with beating and shouting these days? How did that get into the convo? did vanitty in anyway suggest smacking/beating/shouting?

jennykadry:

Whats the correlation between school and this particular drama? I was already married at that age. I was in class with people in their 30's during my uni days so what will you say about them? that they were immature because they were still in school.

Let us stop making excuses for this woman. An adult should be held accountable for their actions. On the last day immaturity or not, nobody will stand for her and answer God.

I am not excusing her behavior, read through and see my advice on how he should deal with it.
1. Talk with her
2. Report to his parents and her
3. If she persists after step 1 and 2 then seek amicable resolution
I am only against forcing an adult or in this case an adult acting as a child to do what she doesnt want.

jennykadry: .......and, what is your problem with beating and shouting these days? How did that get into the convo? did vanitty in anyway suggest smacking/beating/shouting?

I have always had a problem with beating and shouting, maybe I am a little more enlightened these days to see it is more counter productive than productive. People have a choice. we shouldnt use our power to bully them into submission

debrief08:
I have always had a problem with beating and shouting, maybe I am a little more enlightened these days to see it is more counter productive than productive. People have a choice. we shouldnt use our power to bully them into submission

Did Vanity suggest beating? is it a crime now for someone to stand up tall and say to a serial offender, "For the love of butter cut this crap this minute"? who is a bully? define please

I don't get you, can you go through your posts again and tell me someone posted with your id. Cos you are doing the same thing Maclatunji was accused of a few weeks ago on that mother/daughter thread. Putting words in people's mouth and accusing people of suggesting things you only choose to see.

If there is any woman on earth called an "emotional bully"-this op's wife is she.

debrief08:
At her age except for few fast and gifted people most are still in school, some are still trying to write Jamb, some gifted kids are delayed in school sometimes because they may not be able to cope with the level of maturity required for the next step.
secondly, most Nigerians dont "talk" or have time to explain, we beat and shout. Well we can see where beating and shouting has gotten us, high crime rates, serial rapists and killers, armed robbers with no conscience, hired assassins for as low as 30k, then we lie to our selves that we have a better society than Countries where they dont beat children for every offense. We hide most crimes, cover most violence within families and say it is "family matters" we hide rape, violent beatings and injuries because we "dont want people to hear", we get no help to damaged children raised in so much violence and pretense.
Let me say my crap, it is mine and I am entitled to it.

You know what? this time I agree much with you.
But I can assure you that the problems with our society are legion, and is not the result of beating or being harsh on children.
Infact, I can argue that it has more to do with our pretentious attitudes in dealing with serious matters.
We have this silly attitude, reinforced by the churches, of saying " all is well", when in reality, our hoouses are burning.
We are always afraid to take firm measures to snuffout a flickering flame until the it grows into a raging fire and engulfs us.

Many aspects of our Social, political and economic lives showcase this attitude.
Same is true for our family and individual lives.

I dont see how showing understanding for bad behaviour can eventually stop the behaviour.
The op is obviously troubled by this behaviour. For him it has reached a critical point.

It is better for him to fight the little war right now thatn to wait for the epic battle that awaits him should he not nip this errant behaviour in the bud.

Thank you jare JennyKadry

Debrief, don't put words on my finger that isn't there! If what you deciphered from my post was that the man should shout her submissive, then good for you!

vanitty: Thank you jare JennyKadry

Debrief, don't put words on my finger that isn't there! If what you deciphered from my post was that the man should shout her submissive, then good for you!

Sorry about that, Please accept my apology.

plaetton:

You know what? this time I agree much with you.
But I can assure you that the problems with our society are legion, and is not the result of beating or being harsh on children.
Infact, I can argue that it has more to do with our pretentious attitudes in dealing with serious matters.
We have this silly attitude, reinforced by the churches, of saying " all is well", when in reality, our hoouses are burning.
We are always afraid to take firm measures to snuffout a flickering flame until the it grows into a raging fire and engulfs us.

Many aspects of our Social, political and economic lives showcase this attitude.
Same is true for our family and individual lives.

I dont see how showing understanding for bad behaviour can eventually stop the behaviour.
The op is obviously troubled by this behaviour. For him it has reached a critical point.

It is better for him to fight the little war right now thatn to wait for the epic battle that awaits him should he not nip this errant behaviour in the bud.

Mixed wires, sorry, I agree with most of your points. lines crossed in my head somewhere. Sorry.

jennykadry:

Whats the correlation between school and this particular drama? I was already married at that age. I was in class with people in their 30's during my uni days so what will you say about them? that they were immature because they were still in school?

Let us stop making excuses for this woman. An adult should be held accountable for their actions. On the last day immaturity or not, nobody will stand for her and answer God.

Stating that she is still immature is not same as making an excuse for the women. She is immature. That you married at that age DOES NOT mean then that everyone who does at the same age is mature enough to understand and handle marriage and all that comes with it. There are 50-year olds out there who are still struggling to get a grasp on the meaning of life, the meaning of their existence and what to do. Marriage does not auto-magically grow you or anyone up. It is a process, and those who are immature at the time the enter the gate, are not going to suddenly see the light over night . . . it takes time.

So it is kind of essential to ensure that you are marrying someone whose maturity level you can handle. And that is why I, and so many others on this thread have tried to advice the @OP to accept that he made the choice. I think you pretend that this girl SUDDENLY started this behavior out of nowhere. I doubt that to be the case given maturity-level usually does not regress over time. You are either mature or you are not. And I believe he did marry her knowing her state, so what he can do is patiently wait for her to grow up. Not you or anyone can force a child, or anyone to grow up. That comes with time and lessons from life itself. Suggesting he violently confront her will only help create more problems as I assume people here are mature enough to know violence is never the answer.

ronkebp: Poster, how did you know, the three guys she talks to are her ex, some men once they think they have put the 'ring on it' want to turn the women to mumu....if you do not trust her because of the age difference, then too bad for you, you should have allowed her to feel free before you decided to use your age and your want for marraige to tie her down. leave the poor girl alone and stop insinuating things that are not there.

would you allow your own partner to talk to 3 different women(ex or no ex)? that she receives calls at that time of the night is a massive disrespect to the sanctity of their marriage! if she's not mature enough - what the fück is she doing marrying @ 22? she should be in nysc camp getting her butt ripped open by philandering youths! immaturity is not an excuse in marriage - if a woman @ 22 does not know picking calls from male acquaintances in the middle of the night is wrong, then she would never know its wrong!

coogar:

would you allow your own partner to talk to 3 different women(ex or no ex)? that she receives calls at that time of the night is a massive disrespect to the sanctity of their marriage! if she's not mature enough - what the fück is she doing marrying @ 22? she should be in nysc camp getting her butt ripped open by philandering youths! immaturity is not an excuse in marriage - if a woman @ 22 does not know picking calls from male acquaintances in the middle of the night is wrong, then she would never know its wrong!

Indeed!!!!! how do we really know that she receives those calls at midnght Some people know how to over exaggerate things, maybe the call came in 8pm it has become 1am at night. I am not supporting her, but to outrightly cut her from life and living is not realistic. it is such women that will end up cheating on their husbands with the 'afterall he does not trust me ' thought.

Kobojunkie:

A 14 year old is not too young for marriage, but that don't mean it is right to marry a 14 year old. People mature at different rates. Some people don't mature until their 50's. If one bases one's choice in marriage on age, then one is sure to run into problems such as this and many others . If one basis it on maturity, then one is more likely to avoid a lot of problems.

There is too much emphasis on the age aspect.I agree she is immature but so is he. Why does she keep doing the same thing that she knows is detrimental to her marriage? why is she needling him? what is she rebelling against? Who are these ex's she is talking to and what do they have in common? instead of him to have a talk with her he is busy playing 007 and switching sim cards. She may be trying to get back at him he should get to the root of the matter. His own maturity is also in question.

^^^^^^^Maybe she just realised she has been deceived into getting married in the first place. 32 -22, (10 years) is so much a gap, i have an uncle whose age gap from his wife's is 17 years, iranu is all i see.

^^And is your uncle living peacefully with his wife or is she making phone calls in the middle of the night?

ronkebp:

Indeed!!!!! how do we really know that she receives those calls at midnght Some people know how to over exaggerate things, maybe the call came in 8pm it has become 1am at night. I am not supporting her, but to outrightly cut her from life and living is not realistic. it is such women that will end up cheating on their husbands with the 'afterall he does not trust me ' thought.

I don't understand this post of yours. Why should an ex be ringing at 8pm when he knows she is married? Ronke, how many times does your ex ring your mobile phone? Stop making excuses for her. What is a married woman doing answering calls from her ex boyfriends at night no matter what time it is? why should he trust her? let her go and cheat now, infact she is even cheating on him already. You think cheating is only when you open your legs and get fcked? a man has told his wife that he hates her receiving calls from ex's but she has refused to listen.

I would have sent this woman back to her father's house a long time ago. This is an insult to her husband and her marriage. What do you think these men will think? answering their calls even at night and she is supposed to be in her husband's house? even these men have no iota of respect for this man whatsoever and the foolish wife is the cause of all these.

If she is not ready for marriage why did she open legs and get pregnant? shouldn't she be minding her books whilst at the same time closing her legs. I have said this before that once an adult starts opening legs, that person should be ready to deal with situations that might arise as a result of that.

This woman is in the wrong here and it is only fair for us women that preach against abuse( emotional or physical)to use the same fingers we accuse this men with on the women as well. If a man did half of what this woman has done, some of us would have been practicing jackie chan on this thread. Women, aren't we all complicated?

Mrs mansson: Why is everyone blaming him for the age thing.she is probably taking the husband's love and calm nature for granted.my husband is 9yrs older than me,so the OP must not marry a 28-30 yr old girl to make his marriage work.when i got married their were some things i was doing my husband didnt like,he was always giving me a kiss telling me he knows i would change,but when the change wasnt forth coming,he rained hell on me that day,i was so suprised.The message got to me and since then i stopped.

thank u

Op take it easy eh. be patient with her. Some people have said meaningful things you should consider. You need to sit her down and talk to her or the both of you should go see a marriage counselor who will make her realize that she is now a WIFE, no longer a girlfriend. you can change her line all you want or even seize her phone, that will only worsen things and make her start hating you. You need to handle this situation maturely else you will drive her into the arms of this ex boyfriends. Goodluck!

She's not a serious person. She doesn't respect you or love you, simple. A 22yr old who doesn't know her left from right?
She knows the kind of man you are that is why she's acting like this. Time to put your man cloak on.
And you too try doing exciting things to snag her attention. I've always wondered what would keep me on a phone with men that are not my boyfriend. What on earth would we be talking about?

jennykadry:

I don't understand this post of yours. Why should an ex be ringing at 8pm when he knows she is married? Ronke, how many times does your ex ring your mobile phone? Stop making excuses for her. What is a married woman doing answering calls from her ex boyfriends at night no matter what time it is? why should he trust her? let her go and cheat now, infact she is even cheating on him already. You think cheating is only when you open your legs and get fcked? a man has told his wife that he hates her receiving calls from ex's but she has refused to listen.

I would have sent this woman back to her father's house a long time ago. This is an insult to her husband and her marriage. What do you think these men will think? answering their calls even at night and she is supposed to be in her husband's house? even these men have no iota of respect for this man whatsoever and the foolish wife is the cause of all these.

If she is not ready for marriage why did she open legs and get pregnant? shouldn't she be minding her books whilst at the same time closing her legs. I have said this before that once an adult starts opening legs, that person should be ready to deal with situations that might arise as a result of that.

This woman is in the wrong here and it is only fair for us women that preach against abuse( emotional or physical)to use the same fingers we accuse this men with on the women as well. If a man did half of what this woman has done, some of us would have been practicing jackie chan on this thread. Women, aren't we all complicated?

I won't judge her by what her husband has said, some men can be over-protective, how did the man know that the callers where her ex-es? how did he know? how many of her ex did he know when they were dating talkmore of now that they are married? it is easy to jump to unnecessary conclusions, if there is anything i have learnt on this NL, is atimes, wait for the other partner's post. we know how the age difference atimes can intimidate some men or some women, he married a very young woman and such a woman if she is prety will still turn heads. I don't know who calls her ooo, but i am certain to an extent it has nothing to do with her ex.

jennykadry: ^^And is your uncle living peacefully with his wife or is she making phone calls in the middle of the night?

My Uncle has not brought such trivial thing to my notice or to the notice of the public, so hence i guess they are living peacefully, even if in his hearts of hearts he is afraid that someone will snatch away his pretty wife.

ronkebp:

My Uncle has not brought such trivial thing to my notice or to the notice of the public, so hence i guess they are living peacefully, even if in his hearts of hearts he is afraid that someone will snatch away his pretty wife.

Thank you for answering my question.

ronkebp:

I won't judge her by what her husband has said, some men can be over-protective, how did the man know that the callers where her ex-es? how did he know? how many of her ex did he know when they were dating talkmore of now that they are married? it is easy to jump to unnecessary conclusions, if there is anything i have learnt on this NL, is atimes, wait for the other partner's post. we know how the age difference atimes can intimidate some men or some women, he married a very young woman and such a woman if she is prety will still turn heads. I don't know who calls her ooo, but i am certain to an extent it has nothing to do with her ex.

A man married to a woman and lives with her is saying his wife's ex lovers are ringing her daily and another person on the internet who does not know this man is calling him a liar and knows for "certain to an extent" that the calls are not from his wife's ex.

NLDER's sef

ronkebp:

Indeed!!!!! how do we really know that she receives those calls at midnght Some people know how to over exaggerate things, maybe the call came in 8pm it has become 1am at night. I am not supporting her, but to outrightly cut her from life and living is not realistic. it is such women that will end up cheating on their husbands with the 'afterall he does not trust me ' thought.

What type of convoluted logic is this ?
You are now calling the Op, whom you do not know, a liar, simply because you are looking for a way to justify his wife's actions?
Where you there? Is the woman in question denying the allegations and have asked you to defend her?
What kind of rubbish are you talking about?

So by your logic, he should endure such insults on his dignity simply because the [b]wife may begin to think that he does not trus her and may then eventually cheat on him on that account?.
[/b]What a peice of CRAP.

They way people think.
Na wa O.
No wonder Nigeria is such a mess.

jennykadry:

Thank you for answering my question.



A man married to a woman and lives with her is saying his wife's ex lovers are ringing her daily and another person on the internet who does not know this man is calling him a liar and knows for "certain to an extent" that the calls are not from his wife's ex.

NLDER's sef

Yes oooo, how come you, you believe him to that extent (in unspoken or unwritten terms) that you wished he 'slapped that nonsense from her', it was because you decided to believe what he said. It is not even an ex (one ex) but 3 exes, shey, she did not see them before she said 'i do' to the man ni? If it is a serious matter, the man would have dealt with the situation instead of coming online. Or what guts/effontery will the lady have to pick up her ex's call in the middle of the night when the husband is by her side? really

plaetton:

What type of convoluted logic is this ?
You are now calling the Op, whom you do not know, a liar, simply because you are looking for a way to justify his wife's actions?
Where you there? Is the woman in question denying the allegations and have asked you to defend her?
What kind of rubbish are you talking about?

So by your logic, he should endure such insults on his dignity simply because the [b]wife may begin to think that he does not trus her and may then eventually cheat on him on that account?.
[/b]What a peice of CRAP.

They way people think.
Na wa O.
No wonder Nigeria is such a mess.

No need for you to use panadol on his behalf, if the matter is really a serious one, i trust a 'typical naija man' to have dealt with the situation even from the dating-days, if it is true that the lady is truely and really picking her exs' calls in front of her husband and using sex/y/ tone and sweet words, then he should be a man that i suppose he is and handle the situations, there is nothing wrong with him picking up the phone on 'the many occasions' and asking the guys the reason for the calls, after all they are married, unless he has not paid the bride-price yet and the lady feels she can do whatever. Am sorry ooo, but if a story is not sitting down well with me, then it is not.

Lol ronke stop this, this doesn't suit you at all. I mean look at your comments here. All these while that you have been commenting on some cheating husbands threads, you did not use the "after all we were not there line",why now? Cos this one no sit down well with you? Were you certain that the others were not lying? Do you live with them?

The OP is the one who posted here and I am going by what he has said. You can as well wait for his wife to come and tell you her own side of the story.

Unbelievable I must say, the way you people side wih your fellow women. This is not the first time I have noticed this and for the love of Christ do same with the men and stop criticising them

ronkebp:

No need for you to use panadol on his behalf, if the matter is really a serious one, i trust a 'typical naija man' to have dealt with the situation even from the dating-days, if it is true that the lady is truely and really picking her exs' calls in front of her husband and using sex/y/ tone and sweet words, then he should be a man that i suppose he is and handle the situations, there is nothing wrong with him picking up the phone on 'the many occasions' and asking the guys the reason for the calls, after all they are married, unless he has not paid the bride-price yet and the lady feels she can do whatever. Am sorry ooo, but if a story is not sitting down well with me, then it is not.

When an Op comes on the forum to ask for advice, he or she is aking us to put ourselves in the same position and offer our feelings. He did not come here to ask for us to judge who is telling the truth and who is lying. His case was straithforward.

We have to assume whatever the op is telling us as facts.It is not our place to judge the Op or his motives. I think that is very silly.
The Op has presented us with facts that happen very often happen , and could happen to just about anyone.
So lets be honest to ourselves and ask what we would do if we were in his shoes.period.

You, cannot tell me that if your spouse's exes call your house regularly, whether its morning, afternoon or midnight, that you would not take great offence and take immediate and stern actions to stop it.

Lets stop all this hypocrisy and pointless innuendos about age , maturity and all that crap, and face the real issue that the op has presented.

Typical of Nigerians, we bring in unnecessary sentiments when ddealing with serious issues.

yeah, actually it doesn't, and i do not think it will change my thought-line. Jenny i don't believe this story...and i know myself, if don't believe something, it is 99.999% true, the remaining .1 is irrelevant.
- the way i see it, for a typical naija man
- it is either he is a weaklin and the wife overrides him
- he has not wedded her the appropriate way, just because she lives with him because she has a child for him is not the same as being legally married, so she does not care about what or how he feels
- he is insinuating that those guys she talks to are her ex, because of the way she talks on the phone. And maybe he truely does not want her talking to any guy at all, because i really do not know the GUTS a woman will have to be talking to her ex-boyfriends infront of her husband. With all my craziness at-times, dem no born me well to receive such a call infront of my husband.

plaetton:

When an Op comes on the forum to ask for advice, he or she is aking us to put ourselves in the same position and offer our feelings. He did not come here to ask for us to judge who is telling the truth and who is lying. His case was straithforward.

We have to assume whatever the op is telling us as facts.It is not our place to judge the Op or his motives. I think that is very silly.
The Op has presented us with facts that happen very often happen , and could happen to just about anyone.
So lets be honest to ourselves and ask what we would do if we were in his shoes.period.

You, cannot tell me that if your spouse's exes call your house regularly, whether its morning, afternoon or midnight, that you would not take great offence and take immediate and stern actions to stop it.

Lets stop all this hypocrisy and pointless innuendos about age , maturity and all that crap, and face the real issue that the op has presented.

Typical of Nigerians, we bring in unnecessary sentiments when ddealing with serious issues.

Whatever!!!!! you say it the way you see it, i say it the way i see and feel it, we are different and so our thought lines should be different, give your own advice to the poster and move-on to the next one, what you want me to see, i am not seeing and will not see. Lobaatan!!! whether it is hypocrisy or not, i don't care.

Actually many of the threads I never believed in turned out not being true. You can ask around.

All I am saying is the next time you advise a woman on how to handle her cheating husband, do not forget to ask her to get him on here to talk his own side of the story.

If you don't believe a story then say so, cos the excuses you have come up with got me thinking, what are we Nigerians are turning into? Like saying it is okay for an ex to ring at 8pm at night and not midnight? Or not trusting his wife would chase her into the arms o the boyfriends? OMG

jennykadry: Actually many of the threads I never believed in turned out not being true. You can ask around.

All I am saying is the next time you advise a woman on how to handle her cheating husband, do not forget to ask her to get him on here to talk his own side of the story.

If you don't believe a story then say so, cos the excuses you have come up with got me thinking, what are we Nigerians are turning into? Like saying it is okay for an ex to ring at 8pm at night and not midnight? Or not trusting his wife would chase her into the arms o the boyfriends? OMG

Na wa O.