debrief08:
Yea, very true and most of them have been raised to think all they need to do as husbands is throw money and do as they want. Their Mothers bared it in secrecy so the wife must too.
It is deeper than we think and poorer women walk away much more than the women in this group, they have more to loose, some will say if it didnt kill their mothers it wont kill them

There is a lot of eye popping stuff on this thread!

I've been glued to this thread all day and the goosebumps are getting thicker. Some men are the devil himself
@debrief somebody says 'Hi'. You just got for yourself an admirer. Hope we dont have to fight you over him. Lol.
My Dad says 'hi'. He says you are an exceptional woman.

Odunnu, say Good evening Sir for me ejor, I love Daddys. Abeg give him a big big hug for me, Daddies are the best

This thread is too serious, a Friend just sent me this picture, i cant stop laughing and it essentially b"captures" the essence of this thread in a very funny way. Enjoy

^Lmao
Walai twitter is one place you'd find loads of funny English writers.
Eg "Debrief your posts are so inspirating, you should post more"

freecocoa: ^Lmao
Walai twitter is one place you'd find loads of funny English writers.
Eg "Debrief your posts are so inspirating, you should post more"

Ewooooooooooooooo, I has dying

freecocoa: Nna menh not being boastful or worreva but this kind of thing cannot happen to me o, I'd rather remain single.
As unbelievable as it seems this type of thing happen everyday, I was talking about one of my friends on this thread, her own is ordinary school boyfriend o, he's already telling her who to be friends with and who not to be, you won't believe how she runs to answer him whenever she's with us, she even lies that she went to buy something is he asks where she was, the matter don vex us sotey we no even send again. Its really a pity.

My dear, these people are cunning. No normal woman falls in love thinking she's going to be abused. And these guys act so nice at first till the girl is hooked.

One of the things I'd say to a girl is: how does your guy view other women? Does he cherish women in general?



I'll holla at you off NL one of these days when I'm really free or something...

Great thread and I hope a lot of our women learn from it.

The info posted by debrief for help for abused women - if only such could be advertised where they are needed most, would surely help a lot.

At the risk of my comments being misquoted or misconstrued - Please, let us be careful not to make finance or money, the demon in all of this. Having a job or money is not what prevents abuse. An abuser is an abuser, even if it's a man with no job. Haven't y'all heard stories about men who sit ome and drink all day while their wives are running helter[b][/b] skelter to raise money for the household?

Growing up, both parents worked (not self-employment), which meant they were not always there for school activities and extra curriculars but thank God my siblings and I turned out well. However, the same cannot be said of some of those kids I grew up with. Being a stay-at-home Mom with no employment income does not mean you are at home watching soap operas. This is a very popular stereotype in Naija. In this thread , https://www.nairaland.com/879051/husband-does-not-want-me/2#10269240 I talked about evaluating our reasons for staying home and if it made sense or not. Staying home is not an automatic pass to spousal abuse and working does not liberate you if you married an abuser.

I stayed home for a few years upon mutual agreement with my spouse and with full awareness of the effect it would have on our finances. I "lost" thousands of dollars in salary, bonuses, employer matching contributions to retirement savings and even my seniority to a degree; because I took time off. There are millions/billions of women like me all over the world that have taken/are taking this option. It does not make you a victim of abuse. A man that will abuse you because of financial dependency is probably not a man you should have married in the first place. Please, spend time on the courtship. And to the men, would you say your wife staying home causes you to become an abuser? Staying home should be by mutual agreement and you have to do the maths to make sure it is affordable and won't lead to discord. You don't cut income and engage in unaffordable spending, the idea comes with sacrifices in spending.

Like most marital issues, marrying an abuser can be traced to the courtship - how does your guy treat the less privileged aka the poor, what kind of comments does he make about money? What are the things that impress him- big cars, BBs, celebrity lifestyles? With all modesty, I'm a pretty good judge of character and maybe that is why I'm talking like this. I knew from an early age, what kind of man I wanted and what to look out for.

Will be back later, work beckons . . .and yes, I am back working now but would not trade my stay home years.

debrief08:
Ewooooooooooooooo, I has dying

Why has you die-ing, debrief??

ftmom: Great thread and I hope a lot of our women learn from it.

The info posted by debrief for help for abused women - if only such could be advertised where they are needed most, would surely help a lot.

At the risk of my comments being misquoted or misconstrued - Please, let us be careful not to make finance or money, the demon in all of this. Having a job or money is not what prevents abuse. An abuser is an abuser, even if it's a man with no job. Haven't y'all heard stories about men who sit ome and drink all day while their wives are running helter[b][/b] skelter to raise money for the household?

Growing up, both parents worked (not self-employment), which meant they were not always there for school activities and extra curriculars but thank God my siblings and I turned out well. However, the same cannot be said of some of those kids I grew up with. Being a stay-at-home Mom with no employment income does not mean you are at home watching soap operas. This is a very popular stereotype in Naija. In this thread (will paste later, gotta find it), I talked about evaluating our reasons for staying home and if it made sense or not. Staying home is not an automatic pass to spousal abuse and working does not liberate you if you married an abuser.

I stayed home for a few years upon mutual agreement with my spouse and with full awareness of the effect it would have on our finances. I "lost" thousands of dollars in salary, bonuses, employer matching contributions to retirement savings and even my seniority to a degree; because I took time off. There are millions/billions of women like me all over the world that have taken/are taking this option. It does not make you a victim of abuse. A man that will abuse you because of financial dependency is probably not a man you should have married in the first place. Please, spend time on the courtship. And to the men, would you say your wife staying home causes you to become an abuser? Staying home should be by mutual agreement and you have to do the maths to make sure it is affordable and won't lead to discord. You don't cut income and engage in unaffordable spending, the idea comes with sacrifices in spending.

Like most marital issues, marrying an abuser can be traced to the courtship - how does your guy treat the less privileged aka the poor, what kind of comments does he make about money? What are the things that impress him- big cars, BBs, celebrity lifestyles? With all modesty, I'm a pretty good judge of character and maybe that is why I'm talking like this. I knew from an early age, what kind of man I wanted and what to look out for.

Will be back later, work beckons . . .and yes, I am back working now but would not trade my stay home years.

Please maam, I never said staying home causes abuse, but what I said was not working could lead to helplessness in cases of job loss of the other spouse or even death and a lot of women who take all the poo dont work. There are several other factors, but when it is by mutual agreement and for a while I understand, even while staying home you can make some income

Efemena_xy:

Why has you die-ing, debrief??

Sha haff kirring me with her glammer

^^

No, you is murdered the Queen's ingrish!

ftmom: Great thread and I hope a lot of our women learn from it.

The info posted by debrief for help for abused women - if only such could be advertised where they are needed most, would surely help a lot.

At the risk of my comments being misquoted or misconstrued - Please, let us be careful not to make finance or money, the demon in all of this. Having a job or money is not what prevents abuse. An abuser is an abuser, even if it's a man with no job. Haven't y'all heard stories about men who sit ome and drink all day while their wives are running helter[b][/b] skelter to raise money for the household?

Growing up, both parents worked (not self-employment), which meant they were not always there for school activities and extra curriculars but thank God my siblings and I turned out well. However, the same cannot be said of some of those kids I grew up with. Being a stay-at-home Mom with no employment income does not mean you are at home watching soap operas. This is a very popular stereotype in Naija. In this thread (will paste later, gotta find it), I talked about evaluating our reasons for staying home and if it made sense or not. Staying home is not an automatic pass to spousal abuse and working does not liberate you if you married an abuser.

I stayed home for a few years upon mutual agreement with my spouse and with full awareness of the effect it would have on our finances. I "lost" thousands of dollars in salary, bonuses, employer matching contributions to retirement savings and even my seniority to a degree; because I took time off. There are millions/billions of women like me all over the world that have taken/are taking this option. It does not make you a victim of abuse. A man that will abuse you because of financial dependency is probably not a man you should have married in the first place. Please, spend time on the courtship. And to the men, would you say your wife staying home causes you to become an abuser? Staying home should be by mutual agreement and you have to do the maths to make sure it is affordable and won't lead to discord. You don't cut income and engage in unaffordable spending, the idea comes with sacrifices in spending.

Like most marital issues, marrying an abuser can be traced to the courtship - how does your guy treat the less privileged aka the poor, what kind of comments does he make about money? What are the things that impress him- big cars, BBs, celebrity lifestyles? With all modesty, I'm a pretty good judge of character and maybe that is why I'm talking like this. I knew from an early age, what kind of man I wanted and what to look out for.

Will be back later, work beckons . . .and yes, I am back working now but would not trade my stay home years.

Does it make sense to you that someone that is being abused should rely on any mutual understanding of any kind? At the first slap it only makes sense that a woman empowers herself just in case she has to work and the marriage is clearly at an end. The funny thing is some stay in abusive relationships, only to be dumped for the next shiny and brand new babe. Then they come out and lie that they initiated the separation to save face. . They still wont divorce though. I agree with you that some women who work are abused. But majority of the ones being abused are jobless. Abusers like to control, especially when they have money. They need to break you to control you. Some women simply refuse to work, and some men cannot handle the stress of being the main provider especially for a woman with high tastes, and extravagant spending. They begin to lash out and disrespect the woman.

lola.luv:


My dear, these people are cunning. No normal woman falls in love thinking she's going to be abused. And these guys act so nice at first till the girl is hooked.

One of the things I'd say to a girl is: how does your guy view other women? Does he cherish women in general?



I'll holla at you off NL one of these days when I'm really free or something...

The question I've always asked are -
1. Is it possible for a woman not to see any trace of violence (even if it is just verbal) in a relationship with a man who will later turn abusive ? as in, could it have been hidden in the way he treats siblings, friends, neighbours, subordinates even though he might have been nice to you initially ?

2. Or is it possible for a perfectly calm and easy going young man to turn to an abuser after marriage ? For those who have heard of or seen cases relating to the topic. Have you seen a situation where a man who is perfectly adjusted in his relationship with society turns out to be an abuser when he gets back home.

Efemena_xy: ^^

No, you is murdered the Queen's ingrish!

Mba nu, ir is Adanma njide oh, na she is saying engrish

ftmom: Great thread and I hope a lot of our women learn from it.

The info posted by debrief for help for abused women - if only such could be advertised where they are needed most, would surely help a lot.

At the risk of my comments being misquoted or misconstrued - Please, let us be careful not to make finance or money, the demon in all of this. Having a job or money is not what prevents abuse. An abuser is an abuser, even if it's a man with no job. Haven't y'all heard stories about men who sit ome and drink all day while their wives are running helter[b] skelter to raise money for the household? [/b]

Growing up, both parents worked (not self-employment), which meant they were not always there for school activities and extra curriculars but thank God my siblings and I turned out well. However, the same cannot be said of some of those kids I grew up with. Being a stay-at-home Mom with no employment income does not mean you are at home watching soap operas. This is a very popular stereotype in Naija. In this thread (will paste later, gotta find it), I talked about evaluating our reasons for staying home and if it made sense or not. Staying home is not an automatic pass to spousal abuse and working does not liberate you if you married an abuser.

I stayed home for a few years upon mutual agreement with my spouse and with full awareness of the effect it would have on our finances. I "lost" thousands of dollars in salary, bonuses, employer matching contributions to retirement savings and even my seniority to a degree; because I took time off. There are millions/billions of women like me all over the world that have taken/are taking this option. It does not make you a victim of abuse. A man that will abuse you because of financial dependency is probably not a man you should have married in the first place. Please, spend time on the courtship. And to the men, would you say your wife staying home causes you to become an abuser? Staying home should be by mutual agreement and you have to do the maths to make sure it is affordable and won't lead to discord. You don't cut income and engage in unaffordable spending, the idea comes with sacrifices in spending.

Like most marital issues, marrying an abuser can be traced to the courtship - how does your guy treat the less privileged aka the poor, what kind of comments does he make about money? What are the things that impress him- big cars, BBs, celebrity lifestyles? With all modesty, I'm a pretty good judge of character and maybe that is why I'm talking like this. I knew from an early age, what kind of man I wanted and what to look out for.

Will be back later, work beckons . . .and yes, I am back working now but would not trade my stay home years.

Despite the fact that I agree with ALL the points you've made above (which I highlighted), there is something about having a job which translates to security, which translates to a healthy self esteem


Is it me or has anybody ever noticed that most people that work, or have held down a job for certain periods think and talk differently from people who don't. Its like being at work someway, somehow elevates your level of thinking in a way I can't seem to explain

Shollypopz:
contemplates replying, hmmmm........oh well!

It's Yoruba and I overheard it means: won ni al'asewo ni mi

Oh my head ! Am I losing my grip of Yoruba language

It kept coming to me as wonlase wonimi and I was thinking what kind of lang is that.



Thanks, and you'r right, he should def not be taken serious

pak:



Oh my head ! Am I losing my grip of Yoruba language

It kept coming to me as wonlase wonimi and I was thinking what kind of lang is that.



Thanks, and you'r right, he should def not be taken serious

I think it means he who owns me, has the say on me or authority over me.

baby_123:

I think it means he who owns me, has the say on me or authority over me.

Sorry ma, Based on Sholly's translation, that name obviously has a more mischievous meaning than what you just wrote.



And where the heck is Wonlasewonimi to clarify the puzzle that is his screen name

pak:


Sorry ma, Based on Sholly's translation, that name obviously has a more mischievous meaning than what you just wrote.



And where the heck is Wonlasewonimi to clarify the puzzle that is his screen name

Oh, i always thought it was wonlase wonimi. Now just seeing it very clearly.

@pak,

In reference to your response to my post:


Nothing wrong with that. In fact, some people would say without their job, they are nothing. Each person has what fulfills them at various point in their lives. If your job contributes to your self-esteem, ask yourself if you have any business staying home? Staying home should be a choice, not a compulsion.

My concern is with women that will conclude not having an income exposes them to the risk of their husband becoming an abuser. I have heard of well educated, financially independent women being abused.

pak:


Sorry ma, Based on Sholly's translation, that name obviously has a more mischievous meaning than what you just wrote.



And where the heck is Wonlasewonimi to clarify the puzzle that is his screen name

If I shove you once now, you'd call it abuse.

pak:


The question I've always asked are -
1. Is it possible for a woman not to see any trace of violence (even if it is just verbal) in a relationship with a man who will later turn abusive ? as in, could it have been hidden in the way he treats siblings, friends, neighbours, subordinates even though he might have been nice to you initially ?

2. Or is it possible for a perfectly calm and easy going young man to turn to an abuser after marriage ? For those who have heard of or seen cases relating to the topic. Have you seen a situation where a man who is perfectly adjusted in his relationship with society turns out to be an abuser when he gets back home.

I have answered this question twice today but pyguru hid my answers and banned me twice...
Overtime,i have come to understand that "anyone" can act for as long as they want.Only the truly discerning,cautious and non-desperate person can discover the real person inside of the act!
Time changes people,situations do the same.It brings silent and hidden parts of people to fore.
...and Yes,i have seen people switch from cool,calm,friendly and loving to mean,fearful,and unfriendly overnight literarily....and yes,changes with no meaningful or explainable trigger sometimes.
Nothing is 100 percent certain in life.No relationship is..no human is.
Getting involved is mostly a risk...but when the situation becomes unbearable and life-threatening,isn't it just best to save yourself??

pak:



Despite the fact that I agree with ALL the points you've made above (which I highlighted), there is something about having a job which translates to security, which translates to a healthy self esteem


Is it me or has anybody ever noticed that most people that work, or have held down a job for certain periods think and talk differently from people who don't. Its like being at work someway, somehow elevates your level of thinking in a way I can't seem to explain

I re-read your last paragraph and I disagree. Why? because my best friend is a stay-at-home Mom literally multiplying her husband's income with sound investment choices and she's an able contributor in any conversation. You see, staying home is not about twiddling your thumbs and not being enlightened. You are who you are - I have seen women with multiple degrees and good careers, who cannot flow in a conversation.

pak:



Oh my head ! Am I losing my grip of Yoruba language

It kept coming to me as wonlase wonimi and I was thinking what kind of lang is that.



Thanks, and you'r right, he should def not be taken serious

Thank God its not just me...
I called it that several times in my head and didn't make any sense to me until coogar broke it down yesterday...

debrief08:
Please maam, I never said staying home causes abuse, but what I said was not working could lead to helplessness in cases of job loss of the other spouse or even death and a lot of women who take all the poo dont work. There are several other factors, but when it is by mutual agreement and for a while I understand, even while staying home you can make some income

Madam, my point is that staying home is not a recipe for abuse. I have read a number of posts on here that would imply it is and that is why I talked about it. I have nothing negative to say to you or about you. Why? Because I have the utmost respect for women like you, in that society, that can stand up, raise their heads high and become advocates and fighters.

ftmom:

Madam, my point is that staying home is not a recipe for abuse. I have read a number of posts on here that would imply it is and that is why I talked about it. I have nothing negative to say to you or about you. Why? Because I have the utmost respect for women like you, in that society, that can stand up, raise their heads high and become advocates and fighters.

While I still can't fault any of the points you've made so far, I kind of agree with Bebrief on this.

Not having a job is not the cause of abuse but then it could severely restrict a woman's option should abuse ever occur (and not only spousal abuse but any of the scenarios debrief mentioned earlier)

pak:



While I still can't fault any of the points you've made so far, I kind of agree with Bebrief on this.

Not having a job is not the cause of abuse but then it could severely restrict a woman's option should abuse ever occur (and not only spousal abuse but any of the scenarios debrief mentioned earlier)

Your comment made me recall the story of Titi, the Skye bank employee. They even said she paid the rent yet she didn't get out alive. He eventually killed her. She had a career, she had money but perhaps, not enough willpower/strength/confidence to leave until he took her life. We were told she ran to her parents a couple of times. In the end, we can see she still didn't get out even though she had some financial strength.

On the other hand, there are village women that will pack up and leave with their ghana-must-go bags on their heads and kids in tow, even though they never had an income.

You have to love yourself and believe you deserve better plus overcome fear. I have to stop now but I hope my brief (pun intended) on behalf of stay-at-home Moms is . . . . .whatever word lawyers use

Like I said before, this is a good topic and I pray it doesn't get derailed. Who knows, it could save a life.

slimyem: I have answered this question twice today but pyguru hid my answers and banned me twice...
Overtime,i have come to understand that "anyone" can act for as long as they want.Only the truly discerning,cautious and non-desperate person can discover the real person inside of the act!

Are you saying that it is possible to pretend to the extent that A man will even alter his behaviour to the people around him during courtship. Me thinks that might be unlikely. You can act nice to the girl but the relationship with siblings and others should more of come out intuitively. Well, there might be extreme cases anyway but seems likely that in most cases most women just tend to look away or see nothing wrong with it as long as they are not at the receiving end.

slimyem:
Time changes people,situations do the same.It brings silent and hidden parts of people to fore.
...and Yes,i have seen people switch from cool,calm,friendly and loving to mean,fearful,and unfriendly overnight literarily....and yes,changes with no meaningful or explainable trigger sometimes.

I've thought deeply about this response and the best I can surmise is that in a way it implies that both the perpetrator and victim are guilty ?
If for instance I am cool and calm, never lifted a finger to hit the women in my life - mother sister, coworker et al, then I get married and in two years I become Hulk Hogan - slamming and punching. Is that not a way of saying that something about HER character brought my hidden parts to fore ? Anyway that has been the argument of most guilty men.
Maybe you need to clarify . . . .

slimyem:
Nothing is 100 percent certain in life.No relationship is..no human is.
Getting involved is mostly a risk...but when the situation becomes unbearable and life-threatening,isn't it just best to save yourself??

100 percent agree

ftmom:

Your comment made me recall the story of Titi, the Skye bank employee. They even said she paid the rent yet she didn't get out alive. He eventually killed her. She had a career, she had money but perhaps, not enough willpower/strength/confidence to leave until he took her life. We were told she ran to her parents a couple of times. In the end, we can see she still didn't get out even though she had some financial strength.

On the other hand, there are village women that will pack up and leave with their ghana-must-go bags on their heads and kids in tow, even though they never had an income.

You have to love yourself and believe you deserve better plus overcome fear. I have to stop now but I hope my brief (pun intended) on behalf of stay-at-home Moms is . . . . .whatever word lawyers use

Like I said before, this is a good topic and I pray it doesn't get derailed. Who knows, it could save a life.

You sound like a lawyer though.
You have very convincing arguments

If this was a court case, I admit you most def would have won . . . .

wonlasewonimi:

If I shove you once now, you'd call it abuse.

Why in the world will you want to shove me !!!!!!


I am a Man O !!

Abi you are . . . . .



Am starting to get scared bros

pak:


The question I've always asked are -
1. Is it possible for a woman not to see any trace of violence (even if it is just verbal) in a relationship with a man who will later turn abusive ? as in, could it have been hidden in the way he treats siblings, friends, neighbours, subordinates even though he might have been nice to you initially ?

2. Or is it possible for a perfectly calm and easy going young man to turn to an abuser after marriage ? For those who have heard of or seen cases relating to the topic. Have you seen a situation where a man who is perfectly adjusted in his relationship with society turns out to be an abuser when he gets back home.

1. Some women see the signs and some don't. Some mistake the signs they see for love and concern.
Some think he will change.
Being abusive is an illness which has symptoms. But then symptoms can be disguised/hidden quite well too!

2. Some abusers keep a responsible front in public but reserve the monster in them for those they abuse.

The 3 cases I've seen up close are so-called responsible members of society. And the ladies all saw redflags during the course of the relationship. Two went ahead with the union, one didn't.