debrief08:
For where, have you ever been locked up in a room with only one window and when you scream, people hear you and say, just hold on, wait a little more if you dont die, something will happen and it will be well. When finally you open the door and get out, in as much as you might have had great times in that sunless room, will you think of going back after enjoying sunlight and fresh air?
I really didnt want to go back, maybe I would have considered it for a moment if my ex was a little repentant, he just wanted a wife at home he was not sorry then, he wasnt apologetic, even the day I met him to talk, he was still trying to blame me for some of the issues, saying if I had a child maybe we will be happier, if I quit my job it would have shown more respect to him, if I didnt speak with my dad so much i would get him so angry, If I wasnt so quiet and always making people think he was bad he wouldnt get so angry with me. Lol
What was there to go back to?

No other word comes to mind except "Control Freak".

Debrief, how long did this abuse go on for?

debrief08:
Not my parents consent, anybody s, I am a faith person, I was told by the Pastor that God hates divorce, I was the youngest of 8, I tohought everyone else cant be wrong and I right. The Pastor, My parents, my relatives, Elder Aunts, etc. Funny enough when my dad spoke a lot of them fell in line

Thanks for responding. Just underscores what a difference the people we look up to can really make in this life. Kudos to your dad for going against the grain.

Efemena_xy:

Serves him right.

But did that put an end to it? I mean, sure the brothers drove home their point to the wife beating hubby. But at the end of the day, she had to live with him.

Did she go back to her husband? And how did he take to her after the beating he received from her brothers? Somehow, I find it hard to believe that such a man would have welcome her back with open arms. Methinks there would have been a lot of resentment from him towards her brewing...

She stayed with him. They were together till I left Nigeria but the last I heard in 2010 from my mum, she is in the UK with her children now. Man still in Nigeria, I think they have gone their separate ways


We never heard of any beatings so if he did, it must have happened inside the house and no visits from the "bongs". Honestly the way they beat up that man? he will never lay his hands on a woman again

ileobatojo: One more question if you don't mind me asking. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your ex now so maybe you discussed this. What I want to know is that why did he want you back when you left? You said he threatened you to come back after he didn't see you for a while. From what I can see, he should have been jubilating that he was finally free. So why did he want you back? Did he just enjoy traumatizing you so much that he was willing to give up his own freedom? Just trying to understand his mindset.

1. He wanted a wife, His mother tolerated it why shouldnt I?
2. He said I was the only one who understood and tolerated him
3. I may not seem like it on nairaland but I am nice to be around, I could also be a trophy wife , nice to look at and able to hold a conversation.
4. We actually did have a good childhood and friendship before it all went crazy

Efemena_xy:

No other word comes to mind except "Control Freak".

Debrief, how long did this abuse go on for?

we were married for 3 years. The cheating started 8-9 monhs, abuse i think a year into.
Some days were very good I must say, after abuse and cheating I would get a car or jewelry and a very well behaved man, if he demands I stop something or talking to someone and I did I got rewarded, two things i didnt let go off were my Job and my dad, everything else, my own friends, only the approved ones, things i loved doing, only things deemed appropriate by him and laughing in public, I was supposed to nod and not laugh in public.

Debrief

When you left him, did he find someone else?

Debrief, a little digression here - but I think I read a post of his somewhere online and he sounded remorseful and full of regrets. I think he also had a life threatening illness which probably shook up his senses.

Did he eventually recover from his illness? And I really am curious - what was it? Was it STD related?? (I'm not trying to be offensive here and you don't need to answer this if it makes you uncomfortable...I just think there are some serious lessons to be learnt here)

Also, how in heaven's name were you able to keep him in your home as a guest (after marrying your present husband?) Didn't your ex feel any shame / embrassment at having you, his maltreated and abused ex-wife look after him in another man's home??!! He made lots of money during his time, so couldn't he afford to hire people look after him in his own home? Why did he see it fit to come crawling back to you??

And most importantly, you didn't have any kids for him - so no ties then. How the frigging hell did you keep yourself from strangling him in his bed?? Abeg, me I'm human and no angel - I know I can't withstand a fraction of what you went through or to forgive the way you did...no, not possible abeg.

debrief08:
1. He wanted a wife, His mother tolerated it why shouldnt I?
2. He said I was the only one who understood and tolerated him

Hmmph!

3. I may not seem like it on nairaland but I am nice to be around, I could also be a trophy wife , nice to look at and able to hold a conversation.

How many posts before the nairaland pervs start calling for your pics.

4. We actually did have a good childhood and friendship before it all went crazy

Wow! Even more upsetting because it had the potential to be a really great marriage.

I love those questions Efe posed. Debrief, over to you

jennykadry: Debrief

When you left him, did he find someone else?

There was always someone else even when we were together.

Efemena_xy: Debrief, a little digression here - but I think I read a post of his somewhere online and he sounded remorseful and full of regrets. I think he also had a life threatening illness which probably shook up his senses.

Did he eventually recover from his illness? And I really am curious - what was it? Was it STD related?? (I'm not trying to be offensive here and you don't need to answer this if it makes you uncomfortable...I just think there are some serious lessons to be learnt here)

Also, how in heaven's name were you able to keep him in your home as a guest (after marrying your present husband?) Didn't your ex feel any shame / embrassment at having you, his maltreated and abused ex-wife look after him in another man's home??!! He made lots of money during his time, so couldn't he afford to hire people look after him in his own home? Why did he see it fit to come crawling back to you??

And most importantly, you didn't have any kids for him - so no ties then. How the frigging hell did you keep yourself from strangling him in his bed?? Abeg, me I'm human and no angel - I know I can't withstand a fraction of what you went through or to forgive the way you did...no, not possible abeg.

Not STD related, actually he didnt crawl back and we didnt let him feel any embarrassment, remember we were friends from childhood. He had people looking after him, His Mom came and also feel ill, We were called on his Moms case when my husband went and found out that it was them both, there was no way we could take care of mummy without taking care of him too.
I dont like the term "crawl back", he needed help and we could help, no shame or pride in that. My Dad always regarded him as a son so we just fell back into our normal lives before it all went wrong.
He had a liver disease wrongly diagnosed here but rightfully treated abroad, he is doing much much better. My Dad stayed for a month and came back.
I talk about this not because I hate him but so others can learn, abusive spouses can think and reflect and get help, abused spouses can see that there is a way out. Not necessarily divorce but the siddon look and pray tactics we have been taught isnt necessarily the only way to handle abuse

I meant: did he get married again?

jennykadry: I meant: did he get married again?

No he hasnt. He says its till death do us part.
But hopefully now he will be receptive to a nice woman when he gets well.

debrief08:

Not STD related, actually he didnt crawl back and we didnt let him feel any embarrassment, remember we were friends from childhood. He had people looking after him, His Mom came and also feel ill, We were called on his Moms case when my husband went and found out that it was them both, there was no way we could take care of mummy without taking care of him too.
I dont like the time crawl back, he needed help and we could help, no shame or pride in that. My Dad always regarded him as a son so we just fell back into our normal lives before it all went wrong.
He had a liver disease wrongly diagnosed here but rightfully treated abroad, he is doing much much better. My Dad stayed for a month and came back.
I talk about this not because I hate him but so others can learn, abusive spouses can think and reflect and get help, abused spouses can see that there is a way out. Not necessarily divorce but the siddon look and pray tactics we have been taught isnt necessarily the only way to handle abuse

Debrief, I get what you say.

But I still don't understand - how on earth were you able to bring yourself to look after him? Most women wouldn't even want to hear his name much less touch / nurse him back to health! I'm struggling with this. It defies logic abeg.

I guess he's fully recovered now. So is he married and does he have kids? Is he a changed person? Or was that change just for the duration of his illness??

Needless to say, you have a heart of gold on you.

If I haven't witnessed abuse eh I'd probably doubt most of what's been written here but I remember one Ekaette in Abuja then, she was a Unibuja student who got pregnant for the man she was dating, she had to move in with him and few months later, come see steady beating, he beat this girl sotey the thing tire everybody, there was a time she was pregnant with her 2nd child, he beat her and kicked her repeatedly on the stomach and the belle was up to 7 seven months then o, she delivered the child afterwards but the baby didn't survive.
But what surprises me is that this lady will pack her bags and leave only to return after few days to another round of beating, this even made people ignore her cries cos some people, my aunt and her father included advised her to leave and never look back but she no gree hear, at one time my aunt held a pestle and stood at her door daring the man to come nearer(his wife ran to her during one of the fights and he still wanted to continue beating her there),you won't believe after about an hour or so, she was begging my aunt to let her go back to his house .
Some of these abused women actually don't want to leave and I still don't understand why.

Efemena_xy: Debrief, I get what you say.

But I still don't understand - how on earth were you able to bring yourself to look after him? Most women wouldn't even want to hear his name much less touch / nurse him back to health! I'm struggling with this. It defies logic abeg.

I guess he's fully recovered now. So is he married and does he have kids? Is he a changed person? Or was that change just for the duration of his illness??

Needless to say, you have a heart of gold on you.

Well I am not most women and my husband is not most men, we were friends and still are, we were not strangers who met and married. His mother came and stayed when I had my Baby, His Mom and siblings come over to my home, infact they make stew and keep in my house for his brother, he gives my maid money and she makes soup and stew for him before he left the country, so we kept a good family relationship even with what happened, even though he listened then to no one, me and other family members kept a great relationship and friendship
He is just recovering, not remarried, Only him can answer the other questions.

@debrief and cotton,weldone!
Moral of the thread,Life goes on after a divorce. Not every man is a monster. A whole lot of guys actually recognise a good woman from miles,weather divorced,single or widowed. Your good character will always bring you a partner who will respect you.
These two women have shared their experiences and thank God they have both found love again.

freecocoa: If I haven't witnessed abuse eh I'd probably doubt most of what's been written here but I remember one Ekaette in Abuja then, she was a Unibuja student who got pregnant for the man she was dating, she had to move in with him and few months later, come see steady beating, he beat this girl sotey the thing tire everybody, there was a time she was pregnant with her 2nd child, he beat her and kicked her repeatedly on the stomach and the belle was up to 7 seven months then o, she delivered the child afterwards but the baby didn't survive.
But what surprises me is that this lady will pack her bags and leave only to return after few days to another round of beating, this even made people ignore her cries cos some people, my aunt and her father included advised her to leave and never look back but she no gree hear, at one time my aunt held a pestle and stood at her door daring the man to come nearer(his wife ran to her during one of the fights and he still wanted to continue beating her there),you won't believe after about an hour or so, she was begging my aunt to let her go back to his house .
Some of these abused women actually don't want to leave and I still don't understand why.

Stories like this drive me nuts. Are you kidding me right now?

debrief08:
Well I am not most women and my husband is not most men, we were friends and still are, we were not strangrs who met and married.
He is just recovering, not remarried, Only him can answer the other questions.

Debrief, abeg thanks for responding.

Sorry for drilling you on this. It's just that for those of us who've never been on the receiving end of such abuse, it can be quite hard to fathom.

@Freecocoa, that woman needs to have her head examined.

What arrant nonsense!

Mtcheew!!

Debrief

You know, some of us have read parts of your story but have not really read it like we have here. You are a good woman


What was your hubby's reaction, the first day he met with your ex?

@debrief, lets do a bit of therapy. Never mind the bill is on seun.
Did you guy's have premarital sex ?
Were you both regular at night spots while still courting ?
Did he drink while you were both courting?
Did he smoke while courting ?
Where did you meet him ?
Did you two ever sat down to discuss the type of home you intended to have while courting ?
Did you guys at anytime pray together while courting ?
Did he ever mention this sentence while you were both courting ' Pray about it' or 'God is in control'?
What subgroup did he belong to in church when you met him ?
Did you ever sleep over at his place when you were dating ?
Please debrief kindly answer this questions. Thanks.

If Debrief answers the troll's questions I will e-flog her.

ileobatojo: If Debrief answers the troll's questions I will e-flog her.

She won't. C'mon now, have some faith in debrief

ileobatojo: If Debrief answers the troll's questions I will e-flog her.

ofcourse she won't. Isn't it obvious why she won't ? I hope single ladies reading this can learn a thing or two from this discourse. She needs to prove to me that she was not blinded by the guy's prick while dating. Dammit the marriage lasted just three years, was there no honey moon ? The man did not change your eyes were only opened after the glitz of the wedding simples.
And did you just call me a troll ?

jennykadry: Debrief

You know, some of us have read parts of your story but have not really read it like we have here. You are a good woman


What was your hubby's reaction, the first day he met with your ex?

I think his mom had told him when we intended to marry and he did a bit of research. The first day they met was at a public place, they shook hands and said hello. Nothing spectacular. Once in a while when he was in a good mood he would send something down for my son before I had the second baby. Sometimes He would say not so nice things but my husband always said I should consider the fact that even though we were divorced we had loved each other and it will hurt him that I was with someone else. In the beginning when I run into him I will be shaking and scared, but gradually I overcame my fear and just mostly smile and exchange pleasantries.

Guitarlife: @debrief, lets do a bit of therapy. Never mind the bill is on seun.
Did you guy's have premarital sex ?
Were you both regular at night spots while still courting ?
Did he drink while you were both courting?
Did he smoke while courting ?
Where did you meet him ?
Did you two ever sat down to discuss the type of home you intended to have while courting ?
Did you guys at anytime pray together while courting ?
Did he ever mention this sentence while you were both courting ' Pray about it' or 'God is in control'?
What subgroup did he belong to in church when you met him ?
Did you ever sleep over at his place when you were dating ?
Please debrief kindly answer this questions. Thanks.

I will respond just once to you because you were specific
No pre marital S3x, we were both youth leaders at our church, no drinking no smoking, we grew up together, we discussed and he was specific of not being the kind of man his dad was, and always emphasized a peaceful loving home, we prayed, went to church, hung out with my dad, sometimes when his mom was in the hospital i slept over at their house while he stayed with her at the hospital. He didnt smoke or drink, it started after the finance boom. The Pastors at the church then seemed to want to suck up because he sponsored so many projects single handedly. So it was always me who was now the wrong party. The Pastors and elders turned a blind eye to his ways, and encouraged me to pray more.
I was really into the "church" thing that is why I am so against it now and I encourage faith in God instead of commitment to Church, I had to delearn and relearn the Bible and scriptures for myself after the divorce.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MYhUC77hIM



^^^^^^^^^^Debrief's reply

ileobatojo: If Debrief answers the troll's questions I will e-flog her.

Lol flog me gently, no vex he asked specific questions, believe me, I wont go back and forth, answered just once, wont answer or respond again. Forgive me abeg, lol. Answered him because I answered others and it wont be fair to ignore him

jennykadry:

She won't. C'mon now, have some faith in debrief

Hi jenny *waves*

jennykadry:

Stories like this drive me nuts. Are you kidding me right now?

Kidding you ke? Jenny nwanne'm God bear me witness I was there when what I wrote above happened, I was freshly out of secondary school then and was awaiting admission into the Uni so went to stay with my aunt, I was there for close to 5 months or more sef, the day the pestle incident happened, I was standing near my aunt with a bottle of star she gave me after instructing me not to hesitate if he came anywhere close incase she ends up in a fight with him, you won't believe that one of the neighbors called the police, they came and said "na husband and wife matter, madam go settle with your husband" and left, that was when my aunt decided to take actions.
You will think that this fights last few minutes, I swear to you most times it lasts for hours, you can imagine a fight where people get tired of begging him to leave her, they even beg from afar because he would likely injure anyone that comes close, many people were angry with her and don't even come out when their fights start because she always comes back after leaving, it was as if my aunt was the only one who allows her in when she runs to her but after that day she ma got tired, this is a girl who's father and brothers came to pack her properties from that man's house, the girl still came back without them knowing, that was when they washed their hands off her. Some people even concluded she was under his spell but I think she was just f00lish cos the kind of beatings she got was enough to break any spell yet it was not so in her case.

debrief08:
I think his mom had told him when we intended to marry and he did a bit of research. The first day they met was at a public place, they shook hands and said hello. Nothing spectacular. Once in a while when he was in a good mood he would send something down for my son before I had the second baby. Sometimes He would say not so nice things but my husband always said I should consider the fact that even though we were divorced we had loved each other and it will hurt him that I was with someone else. In the beginning when I run into him I will be shaking and scared, but gradually I overcame my fear and just mostly smile and exchange pleasantries.

I will respond just once to you because you were specific
No pre marital S3x, we were both youth leaders at our church, no drinking no smoking, we grew up together, we discussed and he was specific of not being the kind of man his dad was, and always emphasized a peaceful loving home, we prayed, went to church, hung out with my dad, sometimes when his mom was in the hospital i slept over at their house while he stayed with her at the hospital. He didnt smoke or drink, it started after the finance boom. The Pastors at the church then seemed to want to suck up because he sponsored so many projects single handedly. So it was always me who was now the wrong party. The Pastors and elders turned a blind eye to his ways, and encouraged me to pray more.
I was really into the "church" thing that is why I am so against it now and I encourage faith in God instead of commitment to Church, I had to delearn and relearn the Bible and scriptures for myself after the divorce.

I give up then. Seems like he was posssesd by a demon otherwise how can a man, a decent man turn to a beast in a spate of three years ? I give up.

freecocoa: Kidding you ke? Jenny nwanne'm God bear me witness I was there when what I wrote above happened, I was freshly out of secondary school then and was awaiting admission into the Uni so went to stay with my aunt, I was there for close to 5 months or more sef, the day the pestle incident happened, I was standing near my aunt with a bottle of star she gave me after instructing me not to hesitate if he came anywhere close incase she ends up in a fight with him, you won't believe that one of the neighbors called the police, they came and said "na husband and wife matter, madam go settle with your husband" and left, that was when my aunt decided to take actions.
You will think that this fights last few minutes, I swear to you most times it lasts for hours, you can imagine a fight where people get tired of begging him to leave her, they even beg from afar because he would likely injure anyone that comes close, many people were angry with her and don't even come out when their fights start because she always comes back after leaving, it was as if my aunt was the only one who allows her in when she runs to her but after that day she ma got tired, this is a girl who's father and brothers came to pack her properties from that man's house, the girl still came back without them knowing, that was when they washed their hands off her. Some people even concluded she was under his spell but I think she was just f00lish cos the kind of beatings she got was enough to break any spell yet it was not so in her case.

You f**ked up. Why didn't you forget that star bottle on her own head?

Efemena_xy:

Debrief, abeg thanks for responding.

Sorry for drilling you on this. It's just that for those of us who've never been on the receiving end of such abuse, it can be quite hard to fathom.

@Freecocoa, that woman needs to have her head examined.

What arrant nonsense!

Mtcheew!!

LOL , you no vex reach us wey dey there when it happened I tell ya, you know the most annoying thing? This girl was about 25 then and she was so beautiful but if you saw her you'd think she was 40 after the beatings yet she still stayed, we all thought the death of her baby girl will open her eyes for where? She was in love with the beast I guess, one very short ugly man for that matter.

Guitarlife: I give up then. Seems like he was posssesd by a demon otherwise how can a man, a decent man turn to a beast in a spate of three years ? I give up.

SOmetimes life happens, people make wrong decisions, take wrong turns, take things for granted, it doesnt make them bad but merely guilty of wrong choices.
When you get things you were not ready for especially wealth it comes with issues of its own, bad friends, bad habits and bad influences. A lot of people fall into that trap and not just him.
This is not about who to blame and who not to blame but about being around abuse. Male or female, no one has to sacrifice their life making another person to love them